Grim days

                  I think i'm slipping back, feeling less and less, the only image i keep is of C. I was laughing on the inside earlier thinking that i'm becoming a psychopath with depressive behaviour, that would be a paradox and a laugh at the same time.
       I've adopted a little kitten a while back, he's about 3 months and a half now. In his trouble some way, he is so cute. I've named him Einstein, after Albert Einstein, the renown physicist. He's all black with a bit of white at the end of his tail. He's a good distraction at times, but....

   I find myself not knowing where i'm going, where to go from here. If i could cry for my own pitty, i would, but feelings are hard to come by these days. Guess the last people that left, these couple of weeks have taken a bigger toll that i thought, on my resolve, on having some sort of feelings and not having the desire to ignore/hurt/kill everything in sight.

    I think i'm.... lost. I think i need C.

And as most times, a song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu6x8KuPmTk

Back?

                    I guess i haven't been in a writing mood. Now that winter is knocking on the doorstep and i caught a bad cold i guess i got a lot of time on my hands. Cause if i wouldn't be stuck at home with my usualy annoyfull schedule i'd be too tired to do anything, 100% attendace at classes blows. And people think that will happen from me. PFT!
       It's been a rolercoster ride the last few months. With ups and downs, with a fast pace and with a slow pace, here and there.
      One thing's for sure, i'm tired of being mostly sick. Been paying hard for those couple of months where i had a bad cold and didn't treat it, till it reached a full blown pulmonary tbc. Now i can rant about my imune system, that's close to non-existant.
             And although i have my hands full usualy, i get this background noise of boredom, i don't feel like i'm doing something exciting, and i have been doing some "every mans' dream" stuff.

Oh well, that's it for now. I'll finish it with a song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOrhOoO9k0o

No name

       I decided to leave, for good, and as always i'm in a semi selfdistructive phase where i don't do anything i just lay watching movies or playing. I'm so behind on some work i have to do for uni, but so lazy and not in the mood to do it. I think i'll have to get my head straight soon, no matter what, and get to work.

   The post is named after Ryan O'Shaughnessy's song performed at Britains got talent: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KdviedF9iM. A very nice song. :)

Bent on destruction

      Today i skiped going to uni. I felt myself in a wierd mood, a bad mood, so i decided i shouldn't go cause most likely someone will annoy me and i will punish them. Actualy i have someone that needs some whooping for missbehaving, will get to that on monday. The spelling in this post will suck, be warned.

          I've been blasted by I with the "you don't know what's about, don't talk about it" when it comes to spiritual stuff(delete delete) shit. So, while i was taking one of those calming long baths, i've decided to do some research so i can smack her over the head a tad. It's starting to annoy me all the blaber about energyes and i don't know what points and so on. I was told by my senpai, when i was training in some ninjutsu, when i was like ~14 about Qi/Ch'i. And after hard work and training i realised that it's only a mind over matter, you just let yourself go and push yourself to over the edge of your limits, pumping adrenaline into your body, to deliver that fatal blow, to calm your nerves, to whatever you think or feel you need in that moment. It's just a mind exercise, a think that i have practiced a whole deal. She's got some ideeas in her head that feel so wrong to me, that sometimes i abstain from giving her a good smack over the head.
      I've seen this a lot lately, kids reading something and buying into everything that they've read, not questioning, not trying to figure themselves out that stuff. They don't know to use comon sence and just live, experience, think and figure out what's wrong and what's right. They don't know that they are first of all, theyr own gods, they can always choose to have more energy, they can always choose to be whoever they want to be. There is no such thing i can't; the sky is the limit!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t5qY_xqQaM&feature=related

Out with the old... out with the new?!

          I will not talk about women. I will not talk about women. I will not talk about women. I will not talk about women. I will not talk about women. I will not talk about women. I will not talk about women.

       AAAAAAAAAAAAAA, crap. Watching Smallville, especialy the last 2 seasons is bad for me, gets me nostalgic and opens something that makes me want someone by my side and takes away my energy without a her around. Makes me feel incomplete and without desire for anything, without one.
   But i shall shed them off, like i'd shed skin if i were a snake. I need.... something else.

Wasted

   Haven't wrote here in a while. Mostly because i was just lazy and had nothing really to write down. I still haven't got anything, but i thought i'd show this little corner some love. That's if i know how to actualy show it. I feel a tad tired, these last weeks, months, have passed extremely fast. Uni keeps me busy as hell, that i feel i need a breather from time to time. It just isn't me going to classes almost every day and doing homeworks. A keeps nagging me, though for sure i don't know what to do with her and so called my love life. I.... she's cute, childish in a good way, i could say adorable sweet sometimes. Too bad that those sometimes are short or happen because i've had enough and i fall back, retreat, and tell her to fuck off aka we argue and she realises she's loosing me. Is it that oposites attract that i'm with her? Her psyche is so fragile, so prone to outside stimuli and has so many unresolved issues. I wonder why i can't find someone that knows what she wants and takes it.

Last couple of days i've been prone on thinking of my dream relationship. I might say it's the alpha male behaviour, but it's been like this since ages and i kinda ignore that argument. I wouldn't like a relationship, i'd like a triangle between 2 bisexual girls and me, an equilateral one based on respect and love. Even though, i don't know if i actualy feel it. Haven't disscused this with I yet, and although i've disscused a lot of stuff with her, i know i'm holding back so many others. But then, i don't feel she really cares in learning about me.

Enough for now, i hope it won't take 2 months again untill i'll return.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyOeqVlsmRI

Why when i do something good i....

FEEL?!

Some dude 2 days ago, was dropped from his pit stop near my place, he had no clue where he was. I only told him what's the way to the subway and it felt good. It felt. That's something strange, wierd.

In another topic i'm in another exam sesion, aiming for 6 out of 7 exams, got 2 done, 4 more to go. Also contemplating heavely on the ideea of joining the service as an inteligence officer for the goverment but that might impede me a lot of stuff on the short term at least. Like might have to stop going to the uni and focus 100% on the job. Although i made my mind once and was thinking in submiting an application, now i'm in doubt. Nevertheless i have untill 15 February, to make up my mind.



Le: A, stop visiting here, reading this and so on, there's nothing left.