It's been a hell of a long time since i've felt like this.... an old me. To fully understand this, you'd need to be able to read my mind, but... short story long story, it's hard to be me, there are points where i don't know who i am because i am so many things. Sometimes is really hard to keep it all toghether and in check. But enough of that, the ideea is that in the last years i've went from bad to worse, every person took a bite out of my goodness and left me spiraling down into an abyss of isolation. I've been isolating myself so i don't hurt people that don't deserve my rage and dissapoitment; it should be felt by the ones that caused them.
But, today i get to thank someone for making me feel like a person i used to be, a couple of years back. A good and helpful person. It brought (back) a smile into my soul to feel like this.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Avoiding..... stuck.... erm.... WHAT?!
My relentless fight that happened couple of years back seems to have payed off (or not?!) since, i feel like i'm avoiding what's to come next. What's next you ask? Well, my last exams, after this is back to the real world, back to working, back to having that sense of taking care of myself, of ... i don't know how to explain it. On my mozilla's bookmark bar i have 2 links, 1 directs me to my university's website and another one to a forum where a part of my coleagues discuss about exams, uni and all that comes with it. I've been avoiding to see what they say, when the exams are scheduled and so on, each time my mouse cursor going above the links only to stray and push something else or nothing at all. I'm asking myself, do i actualy feel scared and unsecure about what i want/need to do next? I am actualy feeling fear? It amuses me as much as it intrigues me.
I can't really type/express everything i think and feel, but in the conclusion a tear drops on my cheek. I am sad cause i don't have someone in my bed, or to walk with on a rainy day, cause instead of life being beautiful it's only a long streak of trials (FOR WHAT?!), because of everything that i see, feel and touch around me, because of all the things that, i say and think, are very god damn wrong. From kids without food till celebrating Bin Laden's death. Really, celebrating someone's death?! THAT'S HOW BAD WE ARE!? Or actualy.... people are, i for one don't know what i am anymore. (i think i'll change my description too, been postponing this for far too long)
All in all, i have, still, a long road ahead of me. Thank god i can still switch my feelings off and be imune. A couple of weeks ago i was laughin', sun's light was almost unbearable and i was feeling like a vampire from The Vampire Diaries. I should get out more, my eyes are getting more and more acostumed to dark.
I can't really type/express everything i think and feel, but in the conclusion a tear drops on my cheek. I am sad cause i don't have someone in my bed, or to walk with on a rainy day, cause instead of life being beautiful it's only a long streak of trials (FOR WHAT?!), because of everything that i see, feel and touch around me, because of all the things that, i say and think, are very god damn wrong. From kids without food till celebrating Bin Laden's death. Really, celebrating someone's death?! THAT'S HOW BAD WE ARE!? Or actualy.... people are, i for one don't know what i am anymore. (i think i'll change my description too, been postponing this for far too long)
All in all, i have, still, a long road ahead of me. Thank god i can still switch my feelings off and be imune. A couple of weeks ago i was laughin', sun's light was almost unbearable and i was feeling like a vampire from The Vampire Diaries. I should get out more, my eyes are getting more and more acostumed to dark.
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