I've been meaning to write this for quite some time, i actualy had the mood to do it too... but for some reason the planets didn't align and i haven't wrote anything. I think i should get myself a recorder, so whenever i think of something to write, to record myself (duh!) cause in times like this i loose my muse and i don't write like i would like to. I loose that or those briliant ideeas i had when i thought of what i thought (this topic, any other topic). This annoys me like hell but, enough derrailing.
Love!
That's the topic of the day, this day. Some months ago i posted something about a wedding i attended. After some time and after many discutions with the groom, i kinda felt sorry for him, for his wife.... Starting to question myself and what others feel when they say that they love someone i've reached some disturbing conclusions for myself. Now, i might be excused because i am what i am, but still.... i don't have to be excused of anything, cause i actualy did the right thing, back then("then" as in whenever i was in a relationship). I couldn't say that about, i think, any other people i know. And boy, do i know some.
In less than 6 months i heard two people saying that it's time to get married. One was the wedding i was talking about, he was with his girlfriend for about 9 years; the 2nd one, recently a friend told me the same thing after 6 years relationship. I for one have always thought if that the spark doesn't light up in less than 3 and a half years (strange how can i put a certain date on it) it just wasn't meant to be.... if it's more than that time i just feel that there is not really love there, just more of a comodity. And this makes me go and take a closer look at theyr relationships, digress them and see where they stand, how they act, how they feel. I get dissapointed the longer i look, the more things i find out.
My thoughts are that when you love someone, and that's the one most important reason for mariage, you are faithfull (unless both of your "kinks" state otherwise, but that means it has to be agreement and comunication between "him" and "her"), loial, honest, that when your eyes cross paths and you look one into eachother you find peace and passion at the same time..... i feel like my words are just not enough to explain what i feel when i say love. I once heard someone say that love means handing your soul to someone who you know that can crush it and have the trust that he/she will never do it. Like Bryan Adams says in one of his songs, amongst other things, "when you find yourself helpless in her arms" and "when you can see your unborn children in her eyes", i could say that the feelings that this might get close to what love means to me, what i think of love.
Are you so scared to look within?
Fear is really the reason this superficial relations happen? I wish i knew, maybe i could do something about it. I wish i knew what's wrong and try to fix it.
A tear that falls on every page....
I could say that i'm guilty in wishing love at some point, thinking that i reached the feeling/i felt it; realising at some point that those feelings were nothing compared to what i was feeling later with another person. But even then i could say that my actions in any relationship have been better than my married friend. I mean, i've hit and cheated on a woman, and although i realise it was bad what i did, i could say i had plenty of excuses: she hit me first, she put me in the position of thinking that she had someone else, lied to me and many more things not really worth listing. Though and i will repeat myself it doesn't make it right what i did, i mean the cheating. My friend cheated on his girlfriend (afterwards his wife) and i've heard he hits her but, i couldn't say if it's justified. And when i say justified i mean, if she raises her hand first, then he has the right to hit back, i simply hate the "never hit a woman" bullshit. Hey let her kill you, idiot! But i sure think that you're a moron if you hit her for words or any other actions than her hitting you/throwing stuff at you. Now back to my friend, he told me more than once that why didn't he met a girl he dated after he was married, before the wedding. I felt.. pity. It wasn't a marriage from love, it was a marriage of convenience, of comodity and i felt the pity mostly for the "to come" children. It's bad enough so many are without parents, it's worse that so many grow in an enviroment where theyr parents don't really love each other, but i guess that's the world in wich we live since i see more and more of this, everyday.
My "about me" section might change soon... because i'm wondering hard, is it duality being a psychopath but in the same time have a pure spirit or that i've left some much affecting me and my spirit is trying to reach out and show me the right way? No matter how much i think about everything (and boy, do i do some heavy thinking), i still get more questions than answers.
The topic and 2 of the bolded lines come from a song i discovered recently: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNTn9klL7vs
Ps:I will definitely record myself from now on with my pink lg cookie phone. =)
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