Going down?

I feel like i'm drifting away from being human, the last weeks since i've wrote here last time. I feel like my last bits and pieces of my former hard work of being human are going away, i'm loosing them. Christmas and new year passed, and.... nothing. I used to have christmas carols sing all day long, party hard, drink hard, have fun. I barely listened to some carols in 1-2 days and that's it; on new years eve i slept untill 23:30, woke up, watched Holograf in concert from my computer, made something to eat, ate, as usual while watching a movie and then went back to sleep. Oh yeah, forgot the part where i talked to my dear mom for about 20 minutes or so, she's desperately trying to get me back on track, without any success. I've used italic for "get me back on track" because of: "what's normal?". :) I still smile when i see a child, i smiled when i saw how beautiful was snowing in this morning, so.... i'm not that dead yet.
Well, hopefully my new "chores" will get my mind busy for a while and i won't have to actualy think about what's going on, what i want, what i will choose to do. Though i'm wondering these days why did i thought about the little girl that i talked a couple of posts back, that was at my birthday. I was actualy thinking at some point in going, finding her and apologising to her, asking her out. Wierd, very wierd.
I'm wondering if i really want this, if i want to kill what i've worked for years to acomplish. If i'll manage to get completely empty, if i will want it.
These days the perfect oportunity has risen to settle an old score, actualy 2 birds with 1 stone, but.... i still haven't do it, trying to figure why i haven't done anything, i found myself not feeling hate. I found myself being indiferent. I know they both deserve it and by any normal persons standards i should make them suffer greatly, but i don't do it, i don't feel the urge to do it, though i know i should.
I might need help, though i don't know if someone can do it, if she can do it, though i felt the urge to run to Timisoara and try to find her, not so much now. Though i definetly intend to do a drive there and see if i was right and decide afterwards.... see afterwards. All this mixed shit, all these thoughts... too many.
I think it's enough for today....