Rage

      I've built up so much rage that i'm on the brink of not being able to control myself. I fear that one of these days someone will bump into me, or say something i'll dislike and in response i'll feel his vertebras with my fist thru his stomach. So much rage....     

Uh...oh... happy birthday to me?!

         In a couple of hours now, i'll be 1 more earth rotation around the sun, older. Thinking about everything that has transpired in this year i think it was .... better. But, don't ask me better how and why, cause i couldn't answer you. I've fought the fight, every day... and won, most of the times; but the war ain't over, it's far from over.
          A new year starts tomorow and even if i know, i don't know what will happen next.
I miss an older me; a blissfully ignorant one. An unknowing one, an uncaring one.

    So, put your hands up and say Happy birthday to me. :-)

On the brink...

           It's in these times i feel closer to the "rest" of humanity. When i'm on the brink of destroying everything i see in my path; or is it maybe my psychopathic side that's bent on destruction and i'm the furthest away? I don't know. I'm suposed to know and understand them, to know how and why they think, i'm the predator. But i'm not almighty and i've been trying for years to be something else. Something in between. Something better. Something better than the bunch i saw and see, in this fucked up world. But what's that brought me , you ask? Well, only pain and misery. I don't know what sins i have to pay for, this much. I can only try to be better.

           I'm sad. I don't like being sad. I ... i! She came back with one purpouse in mind, to hurt me, "To hurt back", even though somewhere deep inside (i hope) she knows it's(she's) wrong.

    Between shed tears, i'm happy. I happy cause i can, i feel i can contain myself and contain my worst half. Even though the sadness is all around me, in this room.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFjAXvNR0AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZX1Gn0kLsMg

        Give it some time, i might be fine, even though knowing what i know, i still miss her. Farewell A, too bad you didn't wanted me back.

She's back?!

                I couldn't say how long it felt, either a split second or an eternity... but she came back for that time. She came back, this time knowing that she didn't really wanted me and talking as i've expected it from her, mature.
         Little did she knew that i was once so close. So close to tell her, come back with me, take my hand and never let go. Pack your things and let's fly to infinity. Another shattered dream.
   I am a man of little regrets, even if things don't pan out, if things didn't panned out as i would have wanted, i still don't regret it, but i might regret that i've allowed her to see into this corner, some things she doesn't deserve to know.

           http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWeAtLr8bX4

Was i looking for you A? Or was i looking for myself?!

     It's been about 20 days since i found a way to drove A away. I'm getting closer and closer to isolating myself completely. I take a look back and i get that feeling that i don't know what's wrong or right. I've always caried it with me, more or less, but this time is different. I think. Is it right to isolate myself like this and don't leave any "finger prints" on this world? Or should i touch more people with my "magic"? In the end i reach that dreadfull motto: don't doubt yourself, idiot(slap over the head), they were wrong, not you. But then i think, how long can i keep this up? How long can i see things the way i see them? Am i missing something and my judgement is faulty? (slap over the head) You're doubting yourself again, moron! I tried to get things to the next level with A and she mocked me; i tried to explain and she mocked me again. This ain't boxing, this is me.... my life, 2 strikes and you are out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TS9_ipu9GKw

            I don't really remeber(might be i'm not trying hard enough) where i heard this: good things come to those who wait. And i've been abiding by it for a long time now. I won't go balistic and say nothing has came.... i had.... some pockets of good things, here and there as the time passed by, longer ones, shorter ones, but should i consider them enough? Should i "dream" for more?


     I never grew tired of thinking, fighting, breathing...... but i feel it's time to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Rcg8vvFKVY

Sound the Bugle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vy1izTO8Do8&feature=related

Changes

Changed phone numer---> check!
Changed room to a bigger one---->check! Moving will be done on 15th.
Ignored nonesential personnel----> check!

Only time

            I could say that i've been trought a lot of shit. Now, i'm not asking for pitty, nor do i victimise myself. I'm glad everything happened as it did, i wouldn't be the man i am today if that wouldn't have happened. But, i still feel somewhat secure, prepared. I envision every possible outcome and there's nothing unpredictable in my life, there's little to nothing to surprise me. Though, my winamp surprised me today. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wfYIMyS_dI&ob=av2e. It randomly jumped to it and even though my main focus was at what i was playing at that second in time, a cascade of memories where brought. Coupled with the slow, quiet rain, it was definetly something i wasn't ready for. I couldn't describe everything that i felt passing trought me that fast, that strong.

    Get the warning posters out, i'm not safe.

You can't always get what you want

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Rcg8vvFKVY

 

Yes, i am fucked up, badly. I can't seem to get my head straight, damn you A. I need...... something, or be it someone?!

Honey now if i'm honest, i still don't know what love is.... part 2

                   I tried again. I tried to let someone in, again. I tried to fight my nature again.
                                                                 

     Everytime i think about getting into a relationship i remeber a movie, it was called The game of love, or something like that. The movie is about the games "played", the competition between a woman and a man, the woman is interested in having a sincere relationship based on love with him, while him.... oh well, he's a man, he wants to get her in bed.

      I'm alone again... just when i was begining to feel it, to feel having someone close, it dissapeared like a puf of smoke/dust. I feel i might have to restrain myself so that i won't go to her and take her in my arms, but one thing i learned in these years, it's done... i can't do that, cause it's useless, i don't have anyone to take in my arms.

Honey now if i'm hones, i still don't know what love is..... no one loved me so i can see and know what it really is.

Le: Oh yeah, i'll be stuck listening to David Gray-The other side for at least 1-2 days. Great!

Thank you

             It's been a hell of a long time since i've felt like this.... an old me. To fully understand this, you'd need to be able to read my mind, but... short story long story, it's hard to be me, there are points where i don't know who i am because i am so many things. Sometimes is really hard to keep it all toghether and in check. But enough of that, the ideea is that in the last years i've went from bad to worse, every person took a bite out of my goodness and left me spiraling down into an abyss of isolation. I've been isolating myself so i don't hurt people that don't deserve my rage and dissapoitment; it should be felt by the ones that caused them.
     But, today i get to thank someone for making me feel like a person i used to be, a couple of years back. A good and helpful person. It brought (back) a smile into my soul to feel like this.

Avoiding..... stuck.... erm.... WHAT?!

        My relentless fight that happened couple of years back seems to have payed off (or not?!) since, i feel like i'm avoiding what's to come next. What's next you ask? Well, my last exams, after this is back to the real world, back to working, back to having that sense of taking care of myself, of ... i don't know how to explain it. On my mozilla's bookmark bar i have 2 links, 1 directs me to my university's website and another one to a forum where a part of my coleagues discuss about exams, uni and all that comes with it. I've been avoiding to see what they say, when the exams are scheduled and so on, each time my mouse cursor going above the links only to stray and push something else or nothing at all. I'm asking myself, do i actualy feel scared and unsecure about what i want/need to do next? I am actualy feeling fear? It amuses me as much as it intrigues me.
            I can't really type/express everything i think and feel, but in the conclusion a tear drops on my cheek. I am sad cause i don't have someone in my bed, or to walk with on a rainy day, cause instead of life being beautiful it's only a long streak of trials (FOR WHAT?!), because of everything that i see, feel and touch around me, because of all the things that, i say and think, are very god damn wrong. From kids without food till celebrating Bin Laden's death. Really, celebrating someone's death?! THAT'S HOW BAD WE ARE!? Or actualy.... people are, i for one don't know what i am anymore. (i think i'll change my description too, been postponing this for far too long)

      All in all, i have, still, a long road ahead of me. Thank god i can still switch my feelings off and be imune. A couple of weeks ago i was laughin', sun's light was almost unbearable and i was feeling like a vampire from The Vampire Diaries. I should get out more, my eyes are getting more and more acostumed to dark.

I wonder...

Why do i choose to have a moral compass when i look at people and see they don't use one? Why do i do it, when i could snap my figers and don't care?



In another course of events, couple of days ago i felt something new. I felt time passing away, without any link to me. I don't know how to best explain this with words, for the first time i felt like i was doing nothing and time was wasted without a purpouse. I could say this felt wierd and felt rather an alarm sign, for me. To be continued...

If i didn't have you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=yStxUTHHUrg#at=235

I'm too lazy to write something now, though... you, my readers, should listen to that song, it's amazing!

Generation of critics

               About month and some change ago, i've put myself trough a Smallville marathon. In about 2 weeks i watched more than 6 and a half days of continuous footage. Out of all the scenes, the ones i liked and the ones i didn't, one stood up and stands up really high. It gives me the feeling that the writer made it in concordance with Earth, with our lifes, with the present.

"We only want what our grandparents wanted, in this world of armchair bloggers who created a generation of critics instead of leaders, i'm actually doing something. Right here, right now. For the city. For my country. And I'm not doing it alone. You're damn right I'm a hero."
  
The quote comes from here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yzo45hEiMbU the 4th epissode of the 10th series of Smallville. I really feel that it shows today's reality. Wherever i turn i see someone criticising, blaming everyone(especialy the government) else but themselves, instead of doing something.

    Am i rite or am i rite? Anyone stupid enough to contradict me?
 

Honey now if i'm honest, i still don't know what love is....

            I've been meaning to write this for quite some time, i actualy had the mood to do it too... but for some reason the planets didn't align and i haven't wrote anything. I think i should get myself a recorder, so whenever i think of something to write, to record myself (duh!) cause in times like this i loose my muse and i don't write like i would like to. I loose that or those briliant ideeas i had when i thought of what i thought (this topic, any other topic). This annoys me like hell but, enough derrailing.

                                                   Love!

         That's the topic of the day, this day. Some months ago i posted something about a wedding i attended. After some time and after many discutions with the groom, i kinda felt sorry for him, for his wife.... Starting to question myself and what others feel when they say that they love someone i've reached some disturbing conclusions for myself. Now, i might be excused because i am what i am, but still.... i don't have to be excused of anything, cause i actualy did the right thing, back then("then" as in whenever i was in a relationship). I couldn't say that about, i think, any other people i know. And boy, do i know some.
     In less than 6 months i heard two people saying that it's time to get married. One was the wedding i was talking about, he was with his girlfriend for about 9 years; the 2nd one, recently a friend told me the same thing after 6 years relationship. I for one have always thought if that the spark doesn't light up in less than 3 and a half years (strange how can i put a certain date on it) it just wasn't meant to be.... if it's more than that time i just feel that there is not really love there, just more of a comodity. And this makes me go and take a closer look at theyr relationships, digress them and see where they stand, how they act, how they feel. I get dissapointed the longer i look, the more things i find out.
        My thoughts are that when you love someone, and that's the one most important reason for mariage, you are faithfull (unless both of your "kinks" state otherwise, but that means it has to be agreement and comunication between "him" and "her"), loial, honest, that when your eyes cross paths and you look one into eachother you find peace and passion at the same time..... i feel like my words are just not enough to explain what i feel when i say love. I once heard someone say that love means handing your soul to someone who you know that can crush it and have the trust that he/she will never do it. Like Bryan Adams says in one of his songs, amongst other things, "when you find yourself helpless in her arms" and "when you can see your unborn children in her eyes", i could say that the feelings that this might get close to what love means to me, what i think of love.

                           Are you so scared to look within? 

      Fear is really the reason this superficial relations happen?  I wish i knew, maybe i could do something about it. I wish i knew what's wrong and try to fix it.


                           A tear that falls on every page....

     I could say that i'm guilty in wishing love at some point, thinking that i reached the feeling/i  felt it; realising at some point that those feelings were nothing compared to what i was feeling later with another person. But even then i could say that my actions in any relationship have been better than my married friend. I mean, i've hit and cheated on a woman, and although i realise it was bad what i did, i could say i had plenty of excuses: she hit me first, she put me in the position of thinking that she had someone else, lied to me and many more things not really worth listing. Though and i will repeat myself it doesn't make it right what i did, i mean the cheating. My friend cheated on his girlfriend  (afterwards his wife) and i've heard he hits her but, i couldn't say if it's justified. And when i say justified i mean, if she raises her hand first, then he has the right to hit back, i simply hate the "never hit a woman" bullshit. Hey let her kill you, idiot! But i sure think that you're a moron if you hit her for words or any other actions than her hitting you/throwing stuff at you. Now back to my friend, he told me more than once that why didn't he met a girl he dated after he was married, before the wedding. I felt.. pity. It wasn't a marriage from love, it was a marriage of convenience, of comodity and i felt the pity mostly for the "to come" children. It's bad enough so many are without parents, it's worse that so many grow in an enviroment where theyr parents don't really love each other, but i guess that's the world in wich we live since i see more and more of this, everyday.

         My "about me" section might change soon... because i'm wondering hard, is it duality being a psychopath but in the same time have a pure spirit or that i've left some much affecting me and my spirit is trying to reach out and show me the right way? No matter how much i think about everything (and boy, do i do some heavy thinking), i still get more questions than answers.
  The topic and 2 of the bolded lines come from a song i discovered recently: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNTn9klL7vs



Ps:I will definitely record myself from now on with my pink lg cookie phone. =)

Stray

H- Because you do not believe in God does not mean God does not believe in you.
R- Think someone can spend half their life in the slam... with a horse bit in their mouth and not believe? Think he could start out in some trash bin... with an umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and not believe? Got it all wrong, Holy Man. I absolutely believe in God and I absolutely hate the fucker.

                  I was born with the umbilical cord wraped around my neck twice. At some point during the delivery the nurse had to hold me from my head so tight, that i had bruises left for 2 weeks... i was slipping back in, couldn't breathe and was all purple because i was lacking my dose of friendly oxigen. I was talking with my mother about this and i laughed at it, saying that i didn't screamed after birth because i was "chillin brotha' ", but i was actualy dead, or almost dead. Though even then, a child just born, i wasn't afraid of death i kept my cool, i came back to life. I didn't scream while the metaphorical bullet was shot towards me. I was alone in the ward, the only child born that day in that hospital and in the first minutes of my life, i fought for it. Right before my mom would have started worrying, i gasped for breath, but remained silent. I was born and alive, my purple skin started turning pink but the bruises on my head, will forever be there.
       It's been a hard one and a half past year, very hard.
       I've fought with everyone and myself, gathering information, about them, about myself, about where to go from here. And although i've fought with everything, i never forgot to smile when i saw a couple caressing each other, a baby making it's first steps, a dog barking at the wrong tree. Now i know why. I was smiling at love, that feeling that rises you up on hills never before seen. Before all the fighting for about a decade, i thought that i was doing the good thing in this world. That i was righteous and mercifull. That i was helpfull and understanding. That i was fighting for the good in people and for thy good.
        But i was far from it. Why do i say this? Well the answer is simple, i was comparing the good i was doing, my notion of good with the rest of the world. And i was very wrong. I thought that i knew what thy good and thy bad meant. And not the good and the bad thought of by everyone, but that mathemathical constant, that physics rule.

            All of this started when i had my first discutions about "normal". What is normal? How can you put it on a scale? I didn't saw it then, but i see it now. In comparison to the world, i was doing good, in comparison to thy good, i was far from it. I understand it now, i see it now, i know it now.

      But, what's next? Do i go Spiderman/Superman/any superhero and say/act "with great power comes great responsability"? Or have i lost faith in everyone already? Don't get me wrong, although i could say i got some "special powers" myself, i'm not crazy believing that i'm some kind of a superhero, i used it this way cause it's a good reference.

                                                   Where do i go from here?

Going down?

I feel like i'm drifting away from being human, the last weeks since i've wrote here last time. I feel like my last bits and pieces of my former hard work of being human are going away, i'm loosing them. Christmas and new year passed, and.... nothing. I used to have christmas carols sing all day long, party hard, drink hard, have fun. I barely listened to some carols in 1-2 days and that's it; on new years eve i slept untill 23:30, woke up, watched Holograf in concert from my computer, made something to eat, ate, as usual while watching a movie and then went back to sleep. Oh yeah, forgot the part where i talked to my dear mom for about 20 minutes or so, she's desperately trying to get me back on track, without any success. I've used italic for "get me back on track" because of: "what's normal?". :) I still smile when i see a child, i smiled when i saw how beautiful was snowing in this morning, so.... i'm not that dead yet.
Well, hopefully my new "chores" will get my mind busy for a while and i won't have to actualy think about what's going on, what i want, what i will choose to do. Though i'm wondering these days why did i thought about the little girl that i talked a couple of posts back, that was at my birthday. I was actualy thinking at some point in going, finding her and apologising to her, asking her out. Wierd, very wierd.
I'm wondering if i really want this, if i want to kill what i've worked for years to acomplish. If i'll manage to get completely empty, if i will want it.
These days the perfect oportunity has risen to settle an old score, actualy 2 birds with 1 stone, but.... i still haven't do it, trying to figure why i haven't done anything, i found myself not feeling hate. I found myself being indiferent. I know they both deserve it and by any normal persons standards i should make them suffer greatly, but i don't do it, i don't feel the urge to do it, though i know i should.
I might need help, though i don't know if someone can do it, if she can do it, though i felt the urge to run to Timisoara and try to find her, not so much now. Though i definetly intend to do a drive there and see if i was right and decide afterwards.... see afterwards. All this mixed shit, all these thoughts... too many.
I think it's enough for today....